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<\/a>I\u2019m not being so emo on purpose\u2014it\u2019s just the way I am!<\/h2>\n
Yesterday I wrote about not being a victim<\/a> by stepping into a new way of thinking. After further conversation with myself this morning during a meditation, I was reminded how resistant<\/a> I myself was to this idea. I mean, who wants to admit that what happens to them might be due to something they are doing or thinking or being rather than charge it to someone else?<\/p>\n It\u2019s like using someone else\u2019s credit card. Sure, you\u2019ve purchased the item, so now it\u2019s yours, but who really did the deed?<\/p>\n Here\u2019s what happened when my husband\u2014many, many years ago (yes, while he was still in physical form, i.e., alive)\u2014and I were having a\u2014well, I\u2019ll call it a discussion to be polite\u2014knock-down-drag-out miserable-with-crying moment.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a lot to unwrap here, so stay with me.<\/p>\n The whole thing started with Randy sharing something going on, something I’d apparently done, that was making him upset. At first I was sympathetic. I didn\u2019t like seeing him upset or unhappy, and, being the empathetic, caring, HSP that I am, I expressed support and love and kindness.<\/p>\n At least that\u2019s how I like to think it went. I guess Randy didn\u2019t see it that way.<\/p>\n His take on it was that, after about a minute of \u201cI\u2019m sorry you feel that way,\u201d I’d immediately launched into the \u201cbut\u201d thing. You know.<\/p>\n My husband went on to say that playing the victim<\/em> was not a viable option. That being in a relationship meant if one of the partners had an issue, the other one was to listen appropriately without jumping in to defend.<\/p>\n It was the first time in my life that I realized how that was exactly what I\u2019d been doing. As soon as someone was triggered by something I\u2019d said or done and told me about it, the only option I saw was to jump into defensive mode. To defend why I\u2019d said it or done it or felt it or could excuse it.<\/p>\n He was right. And, honestly, it was mortifying.<\/p>\n There I was, crying my heart out, believing with all my heart, based on all the psychological baggage I\u2019d brought with me into the marriage, that if my husband was unhappy it was all my fault, that I\u2019d never fix it, and that he\u2019d probably end up leaving me.<\/p>\n Um\u2026yeah. So of course I\u2019d get all defensive. What other choice was there?<\/p>\n What happened? I got really, really quiet for a while. I realized I really didn\u2019t know how to listen to \u201ccriticism\u201d or \u201cfeedback\u201d or whatever you want to call it without defending myself from what I thought the words meant or implied. They\u2019d meant bad things were going to happen when I was a kid, so why wouldn\u2019t bad things happen now?<\/p>\n From then on, my first question to myself when something came between us to work on was, \u201cAm I listening or busy thinking of all the ways I\u2019ll defend myself?\u201d And I have never looked at potentially challenging conversations the same way again.<\/p>\n Before I end, I don\u2019t want to leave you thinking that my husband\u2019s insistence that something I did had \u201ctriggered him\u201d was altogether in the clear relative to victimization either. Neither of us understood at the time that how we react and respond is our responsibility and no one else\u2019s. While maliciousness is never excusable, if something occurs with good intention, isn\u2019t it better to reflect on one\u2019s own role first rather than leap into blaming the other?<\/p>\n\n
The defensive mode<\/h2>\n
The upshot<\/h2>\n